My idea of “friends with benefits” is another one of my friends doing my laundry. What were you people thinking.. I have morals.

 801

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I always start writing with a clean piece of paper and a dirty mind.

 827

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My mother never understood the irony in calling me a “son-of-a-bitch".

 850

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Not all cute guys have girlfriends, most of them have boyfriends…

 868

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I hate sitting in a seat warmed by someone else..

 835

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