What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and squishy? What?! It’s bubble gum. Jeez, what were you thinking?!

 704

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Me: "Why am I still single?" Brain: "You're weird as shit." Body: "And you're fat." Face: "Plus you're ugly." Food: "But I'm here for you."

 665

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I’m a freelance gynecologist. How long has it been since your last checkup?

 742

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You keep smiling like that and everyone is gonna wonder what you did last night..

 788

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Age, like distance lends a double charm.

 727

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