My mother never understood the irony in calling me a “son-of-a-bitch".

 953

0  

I hate how chocolate immediately melt on my fingers. I mean.. am I that hot?

 936

1  

There are some people in this world that give my middle finger a boner..

 960

1  

Me: "Why am I still single?" Brain: "You're weird as shit." Body: "And you're fat." Face: "Plus you're ugly." Food: "But I'm here for you."

 860

0  

I’m spread before I’m eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I? “Peanut Butter”.

 980

1