Me: "Why am I still single?" Brain: "You're weird as shit." Body: "And you're fat." Face: "Plus you're ugly." Food: "But I'm here for you."

 861

0  

My idea of “friends with benefits” is another one of my friends doing my laundry. What were you people thinking.. I have morals.

 923

3  

I’m a freelance gynecologist. How long has it been since your last checkup?

 944

0  

My mother never understood the irony in calling me a “son-of-a-bitch".

 954

0  

I just love getting dirty.

 962

2